People are constantly telling me I need to write a book.... Which honestly seems so weird to me LOL. I really do not find my life all that exciting that people would want to read about it. But recently I have realized that many of the "events" in my life have brought me to where I am today. Today I am strong and HAPPY... Genuinely happy. I remember what it was like to not be though. To constantly be trying to fill some void I had. To watch other people live their lives and wish I could just have a little of the happiness and peace they had... Well I had a major event in my life that flipped everything. And in that moment I decided that only I was responsible for my happiness. And I was going to find it ... or die trying.......
I hear a lot of " well you havent been through.... " or " you dont understand"..... Well, I am going to share some of my story and see if maybe you can relate. And at the end you will either think , damn! Her life is crappy, weird, crazy, etc... But whatever you think, I hope you find encouragement in it to take yours back from whatever it is thats stealing your joy .....
Hmmmm where to start... Jumping ahead briefly. When I was 16 I took over 500 pills in a suicide attempt and ended up hospitalized. The therapist asked me what my first memory was... I will start there....
I was about 3 years old. My Mom had married my step father when I was 2ish. My very first memory is her trying to leave him and them fighting over her taking my bed because " he bought it". She ended up either staying or coming back ( which would be a scenario throughout my life ) because I had that bed until I was a teenager... The bed is significant in may ways. One because it involves my first memory, and two because it plays lots of parts in my life oddly. You see I grew up in a "nice" home with two parents who abundantly provided for me... My Dad was around, and I saw him, but mostly on the down low since my step dad was incredibly jealous of him. I learned early on to not talk about him, and to never mention my Mom took me to visit him.. On the outside life was picture perfect. Nice home, clothes, toys, vacations. I held state pageant titles. I cut ribbons, and was in our local paper frequently. But late at night, as most people slept, my home could turn into a house of horror.... I will not go into details out of respect for my siblings but I will tell you I lived with a man who's love of alcohol turned him into a monster... Some days I lived with the greatest step dad a girl could ask for, others I lived in absolute hell with Satan.... When I was 7, I got the cutest little brother ever... man I loved that kid. And I vowed to always protect him. That was pretty easy... You see while I was this darling daughter for many years, when a "their" child was born, that flipped. I became a target many times. But as long as my brother was protected that was okay with me... So I mentioned the bed... The bed was a beautiful white captains bed with huge drawers under it. When my parents would start fighting, I would sneak down the hall and get my brother. In one of the drawers I kept blankets. I would put him in there and push the drawer in enough to hide him and hope that he wouldn't be scared... Many times my Mom would yell for me to call 911 or to run and get someone.. I always felt better if I had to leave knowing that he was in there and safe.... So to sum this up.. I know domestic violence, alcoholism, and abuse.... I also know all about keeping secrets....
I wish I could tell you know about some magical moment that this all stopped.... It never did. Even after my Mom passed away, I found myself still battling his abuse, even if it was just on the phone or in emails.. I finally put a stop to it and cut him out of my life when I was 35... Yes it took me that long into my adulthood to decide that I was worth more then he told me. That I wasn't the person that he made me believe I was all those years of my life....
So lets talk about how I perceived myself all those years of my life... Pretty much as worthless. If my step father could say all these horrible things about me, and my Mom wouldn't protect me, then damn! I must be a really horrible person.... Do you know what happens to girls with no self esteem? Yep. They run into the arms of anyone that tells them something nice. They also self medicate. Sometimes they even wind up on a stage with a pole in 6 inch heels.... So I also know, promiscuity, drug addiction, and working in the sex industry....
To be continued ....
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