Panic Attacks, Therapy, and Codependent?

Thursdays topic is "Therapeutic Skill" ... This is actually a post from April, 2009, but I figured its always good to start from the beginning, so I am going to use this previous writing... It is so weird to look back and think of all the things that have happened between this moment until now. Its been a hard road with some MAJOR events, but this moment has helped me so very much. To understand myself a little better. I am a "fixer".  Well its really hard to fix something if you don't know what it is you are dealing with.  I now use mindfulness to deal with my panic attacks about 99% of the time. I am also currently doing EMDR therapy. ( Which I will talk more about in future posts )




I have panic attacks. As did my Grandfather, Mother, and also does my brother. I come from a very shallow gene pool of "anxious" people apparently.

I didn't have panic attacks until within 3 months, I lost my Mother suddenly, almost had my family wiped out in a "freak hay wagon accident", then followed up by having a 2 1/2 lb daughter in which we both almost died in delivery. Plus sprinkle in dealing with drunken rages from my step father, and giving up almost everything I own, and TA DA, you get one very anxious Mommy.

So I was cruising along, they were getting better, my Dr gave me some low dose xanex, a bottle would last months. Then BAM! Bring on a mentally disturbed kid, CPS in my house, court dates, and you get REALLY anxious Mommy. The Mommy that eats xanex like pez, and is starting to develop angoraphobia. So very nice Daddy makes Mommy go see a professional. ( Mommy would never do this on her own. BTW, I seek out help for others, not myself)

So I lucked out and got this SUPER awesome lady named Noelle. She is an adoptive Mommy, knows about CPS, anxiety, and then proceeds to tell me that I am codependent. Ummm EXCUSE ME LADY!. I am dependent on NO ONE! It is "I" that helps everyone else out. You need something, you call me. I will sign up for anything if I think I can help. So I go home and find my friend GOOGLE, and look up codependent, so during my next visit to Noelle I can tell her all the ways she is DEAD WRONG.

Hmmmm, imagine my surprise when I start reading about MYSELF. So I forward it to my BFF, and my Hubby. Same reply. Yep that's you.

So I go back, admit she was right, and spill my guts. She gives me a SUPER AWESOME book to read. I feel great for about a day. Then it hits me. WHO AM I???? If I am not the one that helps everyone, and solves every ones problems. Then exactly what is my place in life? So that's where I am at now. Trying to figure out who I am. Learning that it is okay for ME to have feelings. I have ALOT to process. I have anger I have held onto because for me, it is easier to be angry, then to be hurt, or sad. Anger is a "safe" feeling for me. But I am tired of being angry. Anger wears you out. It sucks life from you.

So I here I am , putting this here for everyone to read. Not sure why. Maybe it's so those of you that know me, can understand I have some "stuff" going on. And while I love you, I am trying to learn who I am right now, and may not be as "available" as I was in the past. And maybe for those of you that don't know me, maybe you know what I am feeling? Maybe you can offer advice, or a word of support.

It is very hard for me to fall off my own "weird" pedestal. For years I have sat in judgement of others, "why don't they?" "Well if it was me" "WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM?"
And at the same time having no self worth. Never feeling good enough in any way shape or form.

So here I go on a new journey of self discovery. I am sure the road is rocky, but I hear the final destination is wonderful.

And for those of you that dont know here is a description of codependent:

Symptoms of codependence may include controlling behavior, distrust, perfectionism, avoidance of feelings, problems with intimacy, excessive caretaking, hypervigilance, or physical illness related to stress.[3] Codependence is often accompanied by clinical depression, as the codependent person succumbs to feelings of frustration or sadness over his or her inability to improve the situation.[4] Codependency advocates claim that a codependent may feel shame about, or try to change, his or her most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with those of another person.

Codependents believe they are somehow more capable than others, who need their direction or suggestions to fulfill tasks they are responsible to complete. They feel compassion for people who may be hurting and feel they should be the one to help them. Codependent people give of their time, emotions, finances, and other resources. They have a very difficult time saying "no" to any requests made of them.

Codependency causes internal struggles with the opinions of others. Codependents may make decisions based on what they think other people want them to do. While they may believe that their motive for helping people is compassion, in reality they are doing it because they want love or approval

Codependency can also cause struggles in the area of time management. Codependents may feel they never have enough time to fulfill all of their commitments because they have made too many. The most important commitments and relationships are often neglected because they are too busy helping other people, participating in multiple activities, and running from one event to another throughout the week. This also relates to their inability to say "no" when asked to volunteer, attend a function, or help a friend. The idea of not volunteering, not helping or not attending is unthinkable. They may believe they are not being responsible, not being a good friend, or not being a good person if they refuse any requests. However, many of those situations and relationships leave them feeling hurt, angry, or resentful.